Run, Don’t Walk Away from ‘Madame Web’

We owe “The Marvels,” “Eternals” and “Morbius” an apology.

Who knew superhero fare could sink as low as “Madame Web?”

This obscure, Spider-related heroine yields a terrible origin film, the kind with so many flaws it’s hard to point in just one direction.

The film’s future isn’t bright, but it could be reborn as a camp classic. That’s not what Hollywood’s once-mighty genre needs at this moment.

A clunky flashback in the Amazon jungle sets the Webb family story in motion.

Our heroine’s pregnant mother (Kerry Bishe) is murdered after discovering a rare spider with the potential to cure any number of illnesses.

Her baby miraculously lives, and we see her adult self when the story moves ahead to 2003. That’s Cassandra “Cassie” Webb (Dakota Johnson, miscast) who works as an EMT alongside her platonic partner Ben Parker (Adam Scott of “Parks & Recreation” fame).

Does that name sound a tad … familiar?

‘Madame Web’ Can See the Future … But Not Film’s Flaws

Cassie suffers a near-death experience while saving a man trapped on a bridge, and she suddenly has the power to see the near future. If things go south in her vision, then she can choose a different course of action to avoid that fate.

What. A. Superpower.

That gift still comes in handy when she runs into Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), a man obsessed with killing three young women who pose a threat to his evil plans.

Why?

They’ll be super-powered one day in a very Peter Parker fashion.

Cassie meets the women in question (Sydney Sweeney, Isabel Merced and Celeste O’Connor) and she may be their only hope for survival.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“Madame Web” starts poorly and never finds its footing. The opening scenes induce unintentional laughter, and it won’t be the only guffaws echoing in the theater.

Johnson remains an endearing on-screen presence, but she lacks the charisma a genre film demands. That’s still superior to her nemesis. Rahim delivers one of the worst performances in a superhero film … ever.

It’s that relentlessly bad.

Blame director S.J. Clarkson, who never gets a proper handle on the material and clearly could have coaxed better line readings from Rahim and co. In her defense, she’s forced to work with a script she penned alongside three collaborators.

This script might have passed muster for an “Afterschool Special” of yore, but for a film set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe it’s soul crushing.

What Year Is This, Anyway?

The story may be set in 2003, but the villainous Ezekiel taps into technology that’s very much of this moment. Then again, plot chasms litter the film and prove a constant distraction.

This critic’s personal favorite? Several characters are reportedly kidnapped mid-movie, and hours later a subway rider is shown reading a newspaper announcing their abduction.

Printing presses didn’t work that fast in 2003 … or today.

Sony confirms #MadameWeb has 0 post-credit scenes pic.twitter.com/aYWemWbFLv

— Culture Crave (@CultureCrave) February 13, 2024

The film falls flat during rare attempts at character development. Cassie is shown as distant, even rude, to the patients she helps save in her line of work.

Later, she’s willing to sacrifice everything to help three women she just met without any sense of personal growth. Huh?

The action scenes do little to pick up the slack, and the foreshadowing employed during one scene is so obvious your eyes will roll like a slot machine during the inevitable callback.

Alternately silly and clunky, “Madame Web” brims with cringe-worthy scenes. If you can watch the endangered trio dancing on a table for the bemusement of some horny young men you’ve got a steel spine.

And you’ll howl when Cassie keeps taking out Ezekiel using only a motor vehicle.

Even worse?

Cassie takes a quick solo trip to the Amazon and, well, it’s hard to even describe how ludicrous this detour proves without spoiling what could be a killer cult film highlight in 2034.

Or sooner.

HiT or Miss: “Madame Web” is a poorly realized origin story weighed down by wan effects, worse dialogue and silliness from start to finish.

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